Sleep

Tossed and turned first due to temperature issues, then to pee ... then to contend with aches throughout my back and getting the pillows in the right location for my legs ... by then it was 5:30 and I was unable to go back to sleep. Tried meditating to the true place where there is peace, serenity, love, connection ... only to be hounded by fret over not being able to fall back asleep before my alarm went off. Since the urge to journal kept surfacing, I took it as a sign to go back to morning pages. Yesterday I woke in a bad mood. Also had a restless night's sleep, and annoyed the day was beautiful, but I was unrested and cranky. Dissatisfied with not doing enough fun things with Bill for months now. He only wants to work on projects all day and I'm bursting for desires for adventure and fun. I am reminded of his aches and pains with his knee ... and there has been my recovery from my foot and shoulder ... not to mention just wanting to relax over the weekend from hectic weeks. Made most oof time to catch up from work sometimes also and to squeeze in much needed naps. Moping that perhaps it's only me... upset my limitations have kept me from delving into painting lessons and fussing over my plants. Then i recall I have again 'lost my religion" only to remember the one that was already in place before i wandered and detoured through the cave of mazes. Recalling these mazes are only illusions, I remember to be vigilant to ACIM; knowing I'm the dreamer who made all this up. Which means work. To observe my thoughts especailly that of judgment. Everytime I say "you" in a victim connotation, I try to recall it's a symptom of resistance which is I'm choosing with the egoo because I'm afraid to choose with the Holy Spirit.

Today

Today I wrote this specials on the chalkboard of "Hey Honey! salmon" and Today's quote was "Joy is not in things. It is in us." Had technical difficulties this week and Mercury is not even in retrograde. My Hello Fresh order arrived a day too soon. There was a glitch with my Amazon order. I acted on the latter issue this morning as evidenced by the ipad keyboard i am typing on that arrived within the same day of this morning's Order. Pretty impressive! Blair just called from heatstroke after playing lacrosse. I was going to start writing in my beloved journal again ... but after reading several entries throughout the year, realized I am no longer the same person and hence could no longer pick up where I left off which was over a year ago. Instead, I made the most of the morning's downpour to drench it enough to wear the pages were soggy enough for me to rip and pull apart. Bill helped me bury underground under the turtle. It's approaching dinnertime, so I will now start the process.

Journaling

There has been so much overwhelm this year that I wanted to take something off my plaste, so to speak. That inspired me to seek out a food delivery system. Although it's not the healthiest option, it still feel like I'm heading in the right direction. Today I made a pumpkin pie in anticipation of my husband's 55th birthday. Although it felt like a trainwreck, it still felt good to be inspired to act from love and to do something new. I'm still steeped in ACIM. It seems to make the most sense and be the most sane way to go.

Brazen

Despite all attempts to focus primarily on creative endeavors or at least, more practical matters, I'm distracted.  I know, no surprise ;)  My body simply will not let me forget that before anything, I'm housed in the form of passion ... in the form of a woman ... and this form is screaming for the sensuous ... and I'm not talking chocolate. The energy from within, where creativity resides, is of a sexual / kundalini rising nature ... but since I'm in the midst of a dry spell, and since I've been reading this how-to book on journaling where sex is discussed liberally, my "creative" energy wants to hone in on ... well, unspeakable acts of desperate passion ... and not so much on more practical matters, lol ;P

There, I said it ... or um wrote it. But I am not by any means done.  Tomorrow is a new day in which I may feel differently, of which my cravings may subside or dissipate ... but in the here and now, I share of today's truths.

The how-to book I'm referencing is entitled Notes to Self, and there's an "Express Yourself Explicitly" section that states:

Knowing yourself sexually isn't as simple as knowing what your pleasure points are. It's important to take note of your emotional expectations and reactions and to be aware of your sexuality when you're not having sex. It is with us at all times. Writing about sex is undeniably awkward at first, but so is having sex. You'll get used to it and will hopefully come to enjoy the process. If the sex is good, I very much enjoy having it twice - in person and on paper. And if it's lackluster, then writing can be an important tool in figuring out exactly what went wrong and how it can be improved upon.

I must say, I was surprisingly taken aback with just how explicit she was when she shared of some her exploits. She goes on to say that nothing she wrote felt wrong to her and therefore it wasn't.

She also goes on to say, if anything, do not lie in your journal - To thine Self Be True.

Well, there's something to be said about writing privately, but after reading diaries that have gone public (aside from hers), it was comforting to see reflections of myself in them ... I didn't feel as alone in my concealed experiences, as I was able to relate to some of their raw honesty ... to thoughts, feelings and experiences no one dare admit, much less openly write about. 

In keeping with today's tone: