Sweet n' juicy

I am so grateful for thoughtful and loving family and friends. I am rich with love.

I realize throughout my life that I have always been afraid of being without. Although I have not yet experienced material wealth on a high scale, I have always had all I needed and all I really wanted. However, I still felt lack. It’s an unfounded fear and feeling which goes back to early conditioning. I now choose to let those fears and feelings go.

Somewhere along the way I feel I lost my sense of worthiness. I now reclaim that. I am worthy of all that I have and so much more. We all are. We just have to open up to it and own it. I hereby claim ownership of it. I claim the beauty that is me. The love that is me. The brilliance that is me.

I just ate a fully ripe papaya and it has the perfect amount of sweetness and juiciness. That’s me: the perfect amount of sweetness and juiciness, LOL.

Easy-going

My patience and tolerance is low today. I am always regretful when I feel this way, especially when I become short with someone. I think it is because I’m tired. I slept ok last night, but my energy level feels low. I lack the desire to do much of anything. Productivity is not on my vocabulary today. I only want to rest and be lazy.

With respect to photography, I think I will start focusing on different stuff. I’d like to document more what it’s like being me -- Day-to-day of life as Lita ... and then post it on my blog. I’ll start bringing my camera with me to work and see what happens. Nothing may happen ... or a whole world of everything may happen. But I’ll never know unless I at least have my camera on hand. I was thinking about my days long past as a belly dancer. This morning, I listened to a CD I made during my performance days. It’s a 20- minute compilation of some of my favorite belly dance songs, and it sounded so fresh. I’d like to take pictures of something belly dance-related; something reflecting my history in it. It will require creativity, which is what I’m up for.

I wish I were more motivated to work on practical things, like my garden. But I guess practical is a relative term.

I spoke with my Mom last night and sought to lift her spirits by reminding her to list all that she is grateful for; all that she takes for granted. I know this is what I do when my morale is taking a nose dive. She, like most of my family, has been feeling helpless and sullen over B’s predicament.

I’m seeing my reflection and I look so much like both of my parents; but our mind sets and temperaments are nothing alike. Other people may say otherwise, however.

My life is perfect. It’s a perfect representation of my conscious and unconscious creations. I choose to be more conscious so the results will be spot on.

But as a mere human, I will always have issues regardless of what I do, so I’ve come to accept that. Things and people just are. And I am.

It’s approaching 1 PM and I’ve managed to probably consume all of my caloric requirements already. But I care not because it was all whole foods ... raw foods. ... It, like everything, is what I make it -- and I make it good; I make it rich; I make it abundance.

So about work ... I haven’t done much today ... and again, that is good because it is in keeping with my motto of leading a simple, easy-going life.

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Checked the Daily Motivator and it was so timely :)

Monday, April 28, 2008

Frame of life

The way you frame your life has a major impact on the way your life unfolds. The way you see yourself and your place in the world determines who you truly are.

The unstated assumptions upon which you rely are constantly exerting their influence. Your deepest, most sincere feelings about life have a way of coloring every circumstance.

The events in your world do not just happen without reason or source. They are driven by your most fundamental expectations of how you will find life to be.

In each small moment and in every large undertaking, your frame of life sets the stage. So choose to frame your life with love, with respect, with beauty, grace and a focus on the most magnificent possibilities.

The way you see the world determines the kind of world you see. So decide to assume, expect and look for the very best you can imagine.

Live with a positive, enthusiastic and thankful frame of life. And within that empowering frame, you will create a masterpiece that grows more beautiful with each moment.

-- Ralph Marston

I Am Happy

I feel in complete alignment with all that is good today. My spirits are the highest they’ve been in a long time. I must've woke up on the “right side of the bed” today. Strange how that works. Perhaps it’s also because any trace of the lingering cold have vanished, and because I am well rested. I am cloaked in “good attitude” and so welcome the feeling.

Yesterday was a partial cleanse day. Let’s see if I can do a full one today. If not, then no sweat; there’s always next time.

The episode of Lost was awesome last night. I so love that show. The writers confuse me sometimes, but that's OK because all the characters are interesting enough to make up for it.

I am surrounded by loving people. I love my life today. I am happy :) !!!

Receptive to the call

I’m starting to get bored ... Not only with work, but photography. It’s the perfect time to devote to writing, as I’ll feel less inclined to picture distraction. I don’t know why I switch gears so frequently. It’s like I focus wholeheartedly on one thing, and then get burned out. Perhaps like the seasons, it’s cyclic. I’m feeling so restless. I’m busting at the seams for the need to express and create ... and again, that’s where writing comes in..

What I need most of all is something to sink my teeth into. Something that makes me want to wake up early and go to bed late. Is there such a job? If so, I shall heed to the call, just make the call loud enough for me to hear and clear enough for me to recognize.

I embrace trust. I embrace love. I embrace abundance. I am worthy.

I’m craving a good movie. Big time. Fortunately a new episode of Lost comes back on tonight, so that will satisfy a partial craving.

Affirmation

I lead a simple, easy-going life filled with humor, high spirits, love, affection, kisses, integrity and anything in between that nourishes the heart and quickens the soul ...

Trust and Appreciation

I’m tired of trying to force things. I feel as though I’m put in a position to just trust, release and free fall to wherever that takes me. It’s difficult for me since I’m such a control freak.

I want to stop feeling bitter and hurt about circumstances and just allow and accept what is. I will try to remember not to fight each moment ... to just breathe within each moment and allow the truth of the moment to free me.

I do remember to count my blessings, and I have oh so much of them. My personal motto is to “look for beauty” as that’s the easiest way to keep the glimmer of life and joy alive.

The beauty in my life is overwhelming if I really think about it, beginning with the wonder of my mind – I still have my wits about me. Our minds are wonderful things if we allow them to work for us and not against us. Again, it’s all about filtering thoughts that add to, and not detract from life and love.

The gift I got from adversity this year is the restoration of my faith in people. I’ve always felt the need to bear it alone, and that’s simply not what humankind is all about.

I don’t have to watch the news or dramatic movies to witness the awe and amazement of the human spirit; I have but to look within my immediate family: B and Hunny. Watching them both deal with and overcome what’s been placed before them have been an inspiration. I get all misty-eyed in appreciation of it. But then I have to remember to pat myself on the back, as I’m told time and again how well I’m faring considering.

Now, I just want to make a difference ... to contribute somehow. The gifts I bear are effervescence, creativity and heart.

What I’d like in this moment is a teary-eyed belly laugh. I love, and I love all that I have. I am lucky.

Taking it Easy

I woke up and didn’t want to move. Hunny by my side, still severely depressed by B’s predicament. So strange seeing him this way. Now feel helpless about two men in my life. Try to think about how to help him snap out of it. Try to share how I was able to. Try to keep my spirits afloat, not allowing his plummeting spirits to sink mine. At least one of us should be strong.

Ultimately, it’s about being selective with the thoughts we entertain. That and time.

Caught a cold again. Never been this sickly before. Started taking Zicam and am hoping it helps. Called in sick today. I just don’t have the energetic and mental wherewithal to deal with work and face the 8-hour billing factory mentality. My nerves are raw, and constantly pushing myself to perform when I need to take it easy has not helped my immunity, I’m sure.

I want to be home, nursing and tending to me and my family. Photography and friends have helped keep me whole. But sometimes, I’m left wanting and thoughts waver to the dark side.

Crazy as it sounds, I actually considered having another child – I crave something to nurture. But I am reminded of the ludicrousness of this thought and come back to my senses. I can nurture Hunny when he’s home and our pets. Hunny had work to consume him enough to where he didn’t have time to focus on extraneous worries, but it’s not cutting it for him now apparently. I encouraged him to seek an outlet he loves. To take time out to pursue his passion.

I have fears running rampant today, but then see them for the shadows they are.

I toyed with not stepping on the scale today. What better way to break your day than to have it dictate how you’ll feel? But I gave in and did it anyway, and it did break my day. Stupid! Stupid to be so obsessed about weight and inches, when in the big scheme, it doesn’t really matter. I’m sweating it for nothing, as Hunny likes the added weight. He doesn’t like me skinny; he likes to be able to “hold” onto something. It’s just me – I have an unhealthy preoccupation with my body. Not necessarily my appearance, as I go around looking frumpy and haggard some days and am ok with that. It’s just when I feel fat, I feel inadequate. Workings of a skewed mind as a result of society’s impact.

Will take it easy today and will just tinker around; and loving on all of my surroundings.

Just let puppy out and, it’s a gloriously beautiful day :)

Having a plan

I love little brown bags. To me, it says “treat” inside. I guess it goes back to my childhood, when I brought bagged lunches to school. It would always carry a treat or two inside, and it gave me something to look forward to at lunchtime. Now, when I want a treat, I just go and get it. Instant gratification. Can instant gratification ultimately lead to perpetual dissatisfaction? Seems that way to me, anyway.

I want to paint today. I need to devote more time toward my creativity. My fairy friend (FF) paints and does a multitude of other fun and fascinating things. She inspires me, and I envy the time she takes to learn and pursue her loves. She has a plan, and I need to have one too. I need to start putting things on a calendar the way she does. However, I know my limitations. When I’m not in the mood for something, I won’t do it, regardless of whether it’s on my calendar or not. So my calendar needs to be loose. Since loose plans are less intimidating, here’s my plan:

• Write at least 1 paragraph 5 times a month in my novel. It could just be ideas, a description of a character or just stream writing.
• Draw 1 critter 3 times a month.
• Do yoga twice a month.

That sounds like a nice, healthy, do-able start.

Long term goals:

• Update my butterfly website.
• Re-arrange and decorate B’s room to be more conducive to a quiet room. That room is a disaster! Everything needs to be taken out and redone with new energy treasures. I'd like to use that room to do yoga and work on puzzles. When I’m gone, I can just close the door so kitty won't have his chance to do his version of the puzzle.

Work beckons my attention at the moment, so off I go.

I also like Today's Daily Motivator:

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Every Choice is an Opportunity

Every choice has certain benefits. And every choice has its costs.

If you are willing to bear the costs of a particular choice in order to enjoy the benefits, then go ahead with it. If the costs are too high for you when compared to the benefits, then move on and find another, more appropriate choice.

When you adopt an attitude that life, or the world, or your community owes you something, you set yourself up for extreme disappointment. Realize instead that you are already living in a universe filled with abundance, and that creating meaningful value out of that abundance is up to you.

No matter who you are, where you are from, or what you have, a life of fulfillment requires personal effort, commitment and integrity from you. It is through making continued positive choices that you line up life's abundance in ways that uniquely express your visions and values.

Every moment is a choice, and every choice is an opportunity to build real and meaningful value in your life. Your choices enable you to direct efforts so that those efforts add up to something great and desirable.

Through the choices you make, you have the power to access the very best of life. Choose often, choose wisely, choose with the highest intentions, and your choices will take you precisely where you wish to go.

-- Ralph Marston

Livelihood

I’m sitting here, wondering about the tediousness of my job. If I changed my mindset, I could opt to see this differently, I think. This job defines what I do to pay my bills, but it doesn’t portray what I love or who I am as a person. I remind myself that I am here by choice, and at the moment, necessity. It contributes to my life via the connections I make and the freedom to buy stuff on a whim. It helps me to pay off debt, pay toward B’s situation, and pay for the day-to-day musts like whole, organic foods. My dilemma is it doesn’t feed my spirit or talk to my heart, but neither does doing laundry. I feel like I’m making little difference in the big scheme, like what I do touches no one. Hunny’s job makes a difference in many lives, and that’s why I think he loves it so much.

I wanted to tone things down with my Flickr account, but when I’m at work, I find myself referring to it often (probably for inspiration), which makes me want to step it back up. It inspires me – looking at my own stuff, and that of others. Being inspired and being creative are things that move me like nothing else.

I want to love more, give more and laugh more.

I need to do Kegal exercises, cleanse and do yoga.

There are aspects of me that hunger for more, literally. And I think a symptom is always feeling hungry; as if there’s an endless void to fill. This could be symbolic of something. Or I just have an insatiable appetite due to my food choices. Or, it could be linked to an oral fixation due to stress. Or a combination of all ... I just don’t know.

People at work speak harshly of the new employee. It makes me uncomfortable; anytime we speak harshly of someone, it says something of our character, does it not? But comparisons and judgment of others are normal to our nature, so why should it bother me. Why should I desire to go against our nature? We fear what we don’t understand and what we deem different from ourselves, and our fear makes us defensive and critical.

I went to visit Hunny at work last night and felt myself fixated on the pretty, nude bodies around. I wasn’t bothered so much by it, but Hunny seemed uncomfortable with my seeing it. Every time I went to gaze, he would try to divert my attention elsewhere. He could have done it either because he believed I would become insecure, or because he was afraid I would become critical. What I was, was observant. The look on many of the girls’ faces were lifeless and dazed. We are sexual creatures by nature, but maybe the natural dynamics change into something contrived and forced once it becomes your source of livelihood – like anything else, I suppose. Perhaps I have that lifeless, dazed look on my face walking around my source of livelihood, I don’t know.

I like today’s Daily Motivator:

Monday, April 14, 2008

TO BE ALIVE

Give for the sake of giving. Love for the sake of love.

Live for the sake of living. Learn just because you can.

Don't fill the future with ambiguous motives or imagined fears. Fill the moment you're in with the extraordinary richness of ordinary life.

This day is a gift that you've never had before. Jump in and explore the exquisite treasure that is right now at your feet.

Life's beauty appears at exactly the place where you choose to see it. Choose to see the beauty and value of whatever situation you find yourself experiencing.

Listen to the part of you that resonates with life's true and never ending goodness. Experience again and again, in a new way each time, what it means to be alive.

-- Ralph Marston

TGIF

Woke up to a passionate encounter. Showered, primped and weighed in. Scale still reflects upward gain.

I met with a therapist last night and found it to be a big waste of time and money. I’ve found more therapy sitting on the toilet. She was judgmental, which put me on guard; she would refute what I was feeling, and interject with what *she* thought I was feeling. Oh well, I guess it was worth a shot.

When I got home last night I was exhausted, so I didn’t work out, draw or do laundry. I caught up on E-mails, worked on a couple of pictures and read. I should’ve just went straight to sleep, as rest is what I need.

I got a new novel. This was not my intention; it just happened. After reading the novel prior, I planned on combing through it for style. But this author had me so intrigued that I couldn’t wait to read more of her books. Hence, that is what I am doing. And I would love nothing more than to lose myself in her book today. But instead, I must work and hope I have the energy for it tonight. I have lots to do tonight, actually in anticipation of not being home all weekend.

Spoke with B last night and my heart bled for him. Although he was hurting, the manner in which he spoke came from a place of strength and of acceptance of his current lot.

Have been speaking with MIL a lot these days about B and am finally feeling her acceptance of me. It took 20 years and tragedy to bring us here ... It is good, no?

I haven’t heard from my BF and this saddens me somewhat, as I wish she would rely on me more by calling or at least E-mailing

Well time to work my magic here at work, so I’m off for now ...

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On trusting your vibe, per Sonia Choquette:

"you will also discover that for every vibe you follow, good comes from it, and that good continues to flow from you and into the world. As you become happier, more peaceful, more satisfied, you also become a better world citizen. As your personal world improves, you will become more patient, less defensive, more generous, and open minded with the rest of the world.

You will soften and open your heart, finding time and energy for others as you will waste less time stressing and worrying about your fears. Soon you will see, listening to your vibes is the gift that keeps on giving. Not only does listening to your vibes keep you on the right track for your Spirit to be peaceful, it is contagious. You become an energetic magnet for others, and help them fall back into alignment with their vibes, and true path as well.

One thing we six sensories notice right away is just how much we affect one another. When one in a crowd is anxious and fearful, it travels throughout the crowd, setting off anxiety and fear in all. The same holds true for peace. When one is peaceful, solid and grounded in their Sprit, (which is what trusting your vibes-especially on at a time does for you) it too affects others, calming, easing fears and opening hearts all around.

Decide to be the good fairy, and help the world, one good vibe at a time. The time has come to listen to your heart, trust what it suggests, speak it out loud, and take action on its instruction. In doing so, you will become a huge source of healing and peace, for you and for all."

Exposure

I woke up this morning, still sick and nauseated. I waited a couple of hours later than usual to eat breakfast which consisted of an orange and papaya slices. My lunch comprised of a raw food mango pie, followed by a raw organic raw food bar. My scale reflects I am 3 pounds heavier than I was yesterday. 3 pounds is a lot on a petite frame like mine. I equate it to 3 pounds of toxins and emotional garbage, both of which I choose to drop.

I’m looking through character reference letters written by friends and family to produce to the Judge at B’s sentencing. I’m also re-reading an article that was published in the Miami Herald years ago entitled “B’s struggle is life lesson for parents.” I’m reading that in 1997, B was the first child in the country to get a hydraulic knee that bent and mimicked very closely the movement of a real knee. Happy memories. One of the spokespersons for the Shriner’s Hospital states “He has the kind of spirit that just won’t quit.” He has proven such time and again, and it makes me all melancholy when I think of the hand he’s been dealt - and how he can never seem to get a break The article goes on to read: “But it was a little child’s stumbles and struggles that taught two adults about the courage to face adversity, to press on.” Yes, even now, years later ...

I bought this user-friendly, how-to draw book at a bargain, and I really look forward to beginning. I took the first step in that direction today by getting a pencil and sharpening it here at work since their sharpener is high quality. I may sharpen another one just in case. And then I will just draw ... I have my doctor’s appointment tonight, so if I don’t do it tonight, I’d like to do so tomorrow ... maybe during commercials while watching the Ghost Whisperer. It’s so easy to plan my evenings while at work, but oftentimes those plans fall apart by the time I get home because I’m just too tired. Hopefully that won’t be the case here.

There’s this girl who had a boob job and is an F cup now. She wrote she wants to get them re-done bigger (But is bigger really better?). I had a boob job years ago, but was bothered by how foreign they felt inside ... really uncomfortable. And they were of normal proportions. I was ashamed of them back then before they became vogue, simply because they didn’t look or feel real. Now when I spot them (everywhere), all I can see are flesh-colored water balloons of various sizes ... and that just sucks the allure factor out of it for me. Should the market come up with something biologically compatible and real-looking, I may consider opting for that. Of course outward beauty is fleeting. Physical beauty does not equate to our worth, yet our society sends a message to the contrary. That is why inward beauty and depth fascinate me. Two things I’d like to develop in myself.

I’m taking steps to move forward in preparation for B’s sentencing, and there’s a lot involved, not only step-wise, but monetarily.

It’s 3:00 – the time I usually have a Dorito craving. But the remembrance of how I felt yesterday and this morning are curbing my desire to give in. Unfortunately, there’s no better motivation than pain or misery.

Funny how this was so not supposed to be a diary ... there are other places for that, but yet, here I continue to expose.

Addendum

Now I remember why I've stringently stuck with eating healthy ... because when I don't, like today, I feel like total shyt. The effects began as I was driving home, and I got all dizzy and nauseous. I put on my sea bands which helped somewhat, but not enough.

When I got home, I was angry and wanted to strike out and place blame on someone other than myself for my lack of discipline. But there's no one to blame but mua. I feel no guilt - just anger that I no longer have the luxury of deviating just a little bit from a certain lifestyle without feeling debilitated somehow. I asked Hunny to help save me from myself by reminding me why I don't stray from my healthy ways ... But I don't think he will, as I think he'd rather not be the one to come between me and say --- chocolate ...

I'm pretty happy about the reduction of those I'll allow to see my photos. It just means I'll have more time for other things, like writing in this blog. I'm actually thinking about reducing it even more ...

I want to be the most interesting and popular person in my life. I want to be inspired by myself. I want to go back and refer to past blogs and say, "that person really rocks, I'm so glad that someone is me!"

Since my state of wellness has felt compromised due to my food and beverage indiscretions, I had to have a change in plans. Instead of working out hard (to where I would've tossed my cookies), I just walked around the block several times. As far as the other things I set out to do ... well, it will simply have to wait until Friday.

Well I want to make time for reading and note-taking as well as finish up comments on Flickr, so I'm off ...

Expressions

I ate a small bag’s worth of Doritos as a mid-morning snack; had cooked food for lunch; chased that down with a bag of M&M’s; and am concluding my afternoon with a sugar-free Red Bull. So aside from ingesting a bunch of dead food devoid of life force and enzymes, I’ve ingested preservatives and chemicals my body doesn’t recognize. I haven’t fainted or broken out in hives. I still have my wits about me. The price I pay will be for how I feel, and I will probably feel it at any moment ... but you know what? It’s all good. I am grateful for each moment I can see it for what it is: the blessing of another chance. Another chance to choose differently, think differently, and feel differently. What makes now unique however, is that I am taking a vacation from guilt. I’m so tired of finding every reason to feel guilty about SOMETHING. That sucks my life force and is completely unnecessary. I do it unconsciously all the time, so I’m making a pact to not feel guilty once I’m aware that guilt has taken hold. This applies to every area of my life. I will ride each moment out for the moment it is, and if it doesn’t flow as intended, I’ll allow the flow to take me where it will. No point in fighting it. And then I’ll just pick up where it drops me off.

Last night, I cleaned my personal space around the house. It was unplanned -- the best kind. I guess that’s where the flow took me. Once I got started, I could not stop. I was cleaning in between sets of my workout. The down side was my workout lasted way too long. The upside, was I was able to accomplish both. Now, I have to do some fine tune cleaning.

In this moment, I envision working out hard tonight and getting my laundry done.

In this moment, I envision the best outcome with the psychologist tomorrow night. I’ve no idea what to expect since I’ve never seen one before.

In this moment, I expect to smile as I read my book tonight, while snuggled under the sheets.

In this moment, I anticipate my heart expanding as I kiss each of my pets.

In this moment, I eagerly look forward to stronger relationships with the chosen few contacts on my Flickr account.

In this moment, I mentally embrace my baby and send him blessings of positivity, peace and happiness.

In this moment, I am happy to have the bond that I do with my Hunny.

In this moment, I am content with the support and love around me.

In this moment, I am thankful for the ability to express.