Taking it Easy

I woke up and didn’t want to move. Hunny by my side, still severely depressed by B’s predicament. So strange seeing him this way. Now feel helpless about two men in my life. Try to think about how to help him snap out of it. Try to share how I was able to. Try to keep my spirits afloat, not allowing his plummeting spirits to sink mine. At least one of us should be strong.

Ultimately, it’s about being selective with the thoughts we entertain. That and time.

Caught a cold again. Never been this sickly before. Started taking Zicam and am hoping it helps. Called in sick today. I just don’t have the energetic and mental wherewithal to deal with work and face the 8-hour billing factory mentality. My nerves are raw, and constantly pushing myself to perform when I need to take it easy has not helped my immunity, I’m sure.

I want to be home, nursing and tending to me and my family. Photography and friends have helped keep me whole. But sometimes, I’m left wanting and thoughts waver to the dark side.

Crazy as it sounds, I actually considered having another child – I crave something to nurture. But I am reminded of the ludicrousness of this thought and come back to my senses. I can nurture Hunny when he’s home and our pets. Hunny had work to consume him enough to where he didn’t have time to focus on extraneous worries, but it’s not cutting it for him now apparently. I encouraged him to seek an outlet he loves. To take time out to pursue his passion.

I have fears running rampant today, but then see them for the shadows they are.

I toyed with not stepping on the scale today. What better way to break your day than to have it dictate how you’ll feel? But I gave in and did it anyway, and it did break my day. Stupid! Stupid to be so obsessed about weight and inches, when in the big scheme, it doesn’t really matter. I’m sweating it for nothing, as Hunny likes the added weight. He doesn’t like me skinny; he likes to be able to “hold” onto something. It’s just me – I have an unhealthy preoccupation with my body. Not necessarily my appearance, as I go around looking frumpy and haggard some days and am ok with that. It’s just when I feel fat, I feel inadequate. Workings of a skewed mind as a result of society’s impact.

Will take it easy today and will just tinker around; and loving on all of my surroundings.

Just let puppy out and, it’s a gloriously beautiful day :)