Exposure

I woke up this morning, still sick and nauseated. I waited a couple of hours later than usual to eat breakfast which consisted of an orange and papaya slices. My lunch comprised of a raw food mango pie, followed by a raw organic raw food bar. My scale reflects I am 3 pounds heavier than I was yesterday. 3 pounds is a lot on a petite frame like mine. I equate it to 3 pounds of toxins and emotional garbage, both of which I choose to drop.

I’m looking through character reference letters written by friends and family to produce to the Judge at B’s sentencing. I’m also re-reading an article that was published in the Miami Herald years ago entitled “B’s struggle is life lesson for parents.” I’m reading that in 1997, B was the first child in the country to get a hydraulic knee that bent and mimicked very closely the movement of a real knee. Happy memories. One of the spokespersons for the Shriner’s Hospital states “He has the kind of spirit that just won’t quit.” He has proven such time and again, and it makes me all melancholy when I think of the hand he’s been dealt - and how he can never seem to get a break The article goes on to read: “But it was a little child’s stumbles and struggles that taught two adults about the courage to face adversity, to press on.” Yes, even now, years later ...

I bought this user-friendly, how-to draw book at a bargain, and I really look forward to beginning. I took the first step in that direction today by getting a pencil and sharpening it here at work since their sharpener is high quality. I may sharpen another one just in case. And then I will just draw ... I have my doctor’s appointment tonight, so if I don’t do it tonight, I’d like to do so tomorrow ... maybe during commercials while watching the Ghost Whisperer. It’s so easy to plan my evenings while at work, but oftentimes those plans fall apart by the time I get home because I’m just too tired. Hopefully that won’t be the case here.

There’s this girl who had a boob job and is an F cup now. She wrote she wants to get them re-done bigger (But is bigger really better?). I had a boob job years ago, but was bothered by how foreign they felt inside ... really uncomfortable. And they were of normal proportions. I was ashamed of them back then before they became vogue, simply because they didn’t look or feel real. Now when I spot them (everywhere), all I can see are flesh-colored water balloons of various sizes ... and that just sucks the allure factor out of it for me. Should the market come up with something biologically compatible and real-looking, I may consider opting for that. Of course outward beauty is fleeting. Physical beauty does not equate to our worth, yet our society sends a message to the contrary. That is why inward beauty and depth fascinate me. Two things I’d like to develop in myself.

I’m taking steps to move forward in preparation for B’s sentencing, and there’s a lot involved, not only step-wise, but monetarily.

It’s 3:00 – the time I usually have a Dorito craving. But the remembrance of how I felt yesterday and this morning are curbing my desire to give in. Unfortunately, there’s no better motivation than pain or misery.

Funny how this was so not supposed to be a diary ... there are other places for that, but yet, here I continue to expose.