Summoning time and energy

I was trying to come up with an appropriate picture to post toward the top to offer comic relief as a contrast to the blah blah seriousness of this posting. Pics from this shoot seem to do the trick, and I may even add it to my Flickr site :)

Random Thoughts:

Another day my bed went unmade as I scrambled out the door toward the place I spend most of my waking hours. My job is not my life, but it enables me the means for self-reliance, and that is empowering. So for that, I truly am grateful.

The work place is all hustle and bustle, and there's little room for pleasantries. Everyone works at maximum intensity, doing their best to keep the peace with the boss, clients, etc. Time for daydreaming or feeling sorry for oneself is a rare luxury. A part of me feels proud to be a part of something so viable, with a brilliant boss and business woman, and another part resents the time and energy I have to give after hours to catch up.

It seems no one is without their share of concerns, so I know I've got it good. However, aside from the concerns of meeting the demands at work, I fret over wanting to make everyone happy. No question, I have fallen short. I simply feel I am too little butter spread over too much bread.

Exhaustion coupled with being easily overwhelmed puts me in shut down mode 10.

I missed the mark to blog last week. I made it private, thinking it would enable me to write uninhibitedly ... to express my truths without worry of scrutiny. It's been private now for days, yet still no entry until now.

Goals:

What's the answer for prolific writing? I'm thinking just sitting my bum down and doing it on a schedule. Once upon a time ... ok, several once upon a times, I made a schedule to adhere to, but without it staring me in the face, it really does no good.

I have pop-up reminders at work, telling me what I need to get done that day; now, I need to have a system that works for home. I aspire to stay true to my calling, which is to be the best version of me there is. And that is someone surrounded by family and friends, yet is able to find balance to run with her creative side. Otherwise, I'm in a disenchanting quandary. I don't want to eliminate what's in my life, but I have to have structure in order to fulfill my needs.

Creatively, I need to write. Preferably in a blog (to document the comings and goings of my life and to express my truths), and in a novel (to push the limits of my imagination and literacy).

I need to draw or paint. From what little I've done with a paintbrush, I know I love how it feels in my hands. Working with a pencil or brush brings to life that which longs to be created. I have denied the rich experience of delving more into it, thinking every stroke needs to be perfect. But there's something so perfect about flubbing ... it's fearless, raw exploration and discoveries. I have to remember there is time to get it right, but first I have to practice, and flubbing is fun if I can look at it as dancing and laughing with a new dance partner.

And then there is the canvas of movement and music which adds to and enhances the tapestry of our spirit.

Considering I'm writing all of this and posting it after a full day's work on little sleep, proves I'm capable of making an entry, but at a cost. It took a considerable amount of time to both write and process some of the corresponding pics ...

As the day wanes, I go through my mental checklist of what I'd still love to check off ... I love my life, and I must find a way to make it work for me. A mystery I will meditate on...

Of noteworthy mention the past week:

I finally got my external hard drive, so I don't worry so much about space nor picture loss.

I went on an outing with other photographers to the Jazz Festival in Deerfield. It was great having an opportunity to stretch ourselves as photographers, beyond the wildlife scene.

Another CS with Laura yielded more results of our respective oil paintings, and Laura and I practiced Japanese watercolor.

For Mother's Day, I talked at length with my Mom and we spoke of our lives and lusts. Also, I received my first letter from Bri since I've lived here.

He wanted to ensure I received it before Mother's Day, which I did. It felt sooo good to hear from him and to know what he's been up to. The gist of what he said was that work keeps him so busy his sleep is affected. He does his best to get as much alone time as he can. On some of his down time, he works out, which I'm happy about, as the endorphins released from it naturally combat stress and the results boost confidence. I so look forward to seeing and holding him again, hopefully soon.