Aurora

The moment Aurora shut the door, she plopped into her chair and let exhaustion take her. She sighed in frustration as she thought of what else she could try. She labored with everything the fairies suggested, but all efforts to try to tap into her supposed powers proved futile. If not for their insistence, she would discount possessing a trace of magic.

Through eyes of a wounded soul

I need healing. I’m seeing the world through eyes of a wounded soul.

I’m being surrounded by talks, discussions and photos of those showcasing their young. Their milestone graduations and accomplishments ... while my son is locked up, a victim of his own ignorance and dare I say stupidity.

I’m in a mood ... a mood where I want to shun the world. I know a lot of it is hormones. Turbulent hormones. We met with Hunny’s grandmother and she kept asking about B. We lied about his whereabouts because she is too old and frail to handle the truth. She spoke of her dream where she saw him, asked for a hug and he said he couldn’t. It rips my heart out to hear such things. To lie about such things. I lied to someone recently about him because I just didn’t have the wherewithal to go into the whole story, so I took the fewest and simplest words possible and just lied so the subject could be quickly dropped.

Moment to moment, breath to breath. This is how I am living.

I am reserving judgment about everything. Everyone is doing the best they can with what is before them.

More talk about the economy on the radio. More talk about the election and how it’s not our votes that count but those of the electoral college. Exactly how much control do we really have then?


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Here is my card from the Osho Zen Tarot stack:

CHANGE

The symbol in this card is an enormous wheel representing time, fate, karma. Galaxies spin around this constantly moving circle, and the twelve signs of the zodiac appear on its circumference. Just inside the circumference are the eight trigrams of the I Ching, and even closer to the center are the four directions, each illuminated by the energy of lightning. The spinning triangle is at this moment pointed upward, toward the divine, and the Chinese symbol of yin and yang, male and female, creative and receptive, lies at the center.

It has often been said that the only unchanging thing in the world is change itself. Life is continuously changing, evolving, dying and being reborn. All opposites play a part in this vast circular pattern. If you cling to the edge of the wheel you can get dizzy! Move toward the center of the cyclone and relax, knowing that this too will pass.

Seduction of Darkness

"Seduction of darkness, too strong to resist;
Every reason to succumb, nary one to subsist.

Light and laughter, a distant memory;
Replaced instead, by dread and drudgery.

A nightmare this is, choosing to wake up now;
Sight beyond illusion, will show me how."

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I keep having dreams of driving over overpasses and dying as I go over. The moment I realize I’m dead, I wake up. Significance? I don’t know.

I’m starting to feel like that character in Joe Versus the Volcano. Working under florescent lights, and dealing with the daily drudgery of existence. I look around at our economy and feel forced to feel grateful for what I have. Always compare to those less fortunate, right? But there’s got to be a better way than living by comparison. I want to live, leading with my heart and soul, but I’m afraid. So afraid. I see the men in my life; so good. But do the good die young? Does the good guy finish last? Is this truly a dog-eat-dog world? Is daring to trust foolhardy?

My reflection is of a woman I don’t recognize. Her light dim, and always running from shadows. Does age and experience really cause bitterness? Does the weather of time, really taint the spirit? I just want to weep. Weep for my son, weep for my regrets, weep for time lost; weep for the sorrows I see in my loved ones. I am weary and weathered. Is victory of this Earth? I think not.

Innocence tempered with wisdom

I look in the mirror and see a grownup version of myself. I’m ambivalent about that, as I’ve always wanted to retain youthful, ignorant innocence. But now, I am approaching a different kind of innocence – one tempered with wisdom.

The recent wave of hard knocks has gotten me off the path of beauty and creativity. I am finding my way back, as that is where life is teeming.

Through my “travels” life has taught me that we are not an island onto ourselves. I’ve never considered others reliable enough to endow my trust or time, but there truly is no other way to live – happily anyway. I must continue living as the Fool (as represented in the tarot deck) -- continuing to trust life and others, despite what past experience has shown.

I have to remind myself that everything we do is an expression of love or a cry for it. That is where our motives lie. I have been exercising my expression of love, as that is certainly more empowering than doing things to obtain it. Love is inherent, and I choose to remember that. The more love I give, the more I get. I’ve played the role of selfish and choose to play another. For me, being selfish is a symptom of fear. Fear that what I have will be taken from me – whether that’s peace of mind, comfort or security. But I choose to remember that my “glass” will always be replenished if I let go and allow it.

This is a very introspective post so far. Will take a break to work and may come back later ...

Proactive

Now that B's sentencing is finally over, there is no excuse not to get serious about a lot of my goals. I have set about some tasks below.

I am down today. I could elect to change my mind and choose to be bright, but I’m under a cloud. Thinking about B, his sentencing, his life -- it’s overwhelming ...

Also, my life feels like a question mark. I don’t know what’s going to become of it with work and such. I guess I just need to take a proactive stand and work on things currently within my reach -- within my control.

These are the physical activities I intend to do per week, assuming my health is not challenged:

Walking 2x
Yoga 2x
T-Tapp 2x

These are the days I intend to incorporate them:

Mondays - T-Tapp
Tuesdays - Walking
Wednesdays - Yoga
Thursdays - T-Tapp
Fridays - Fun
Saturdays - Walking
Sundays - Yoga

Three activities I not only want to do, but need to:

Photographing/processing - I don’t need to think about when I’ll fit this in – it seems to happen on its’ own. I actually need to reduce time spent on pictures until I have a better sense of balance toward the rest of my needs.

Flickring - I will spend a maximum of 30 minutes per day commenting.

Writing - I just got done reading a triology; and I will comb through it now for style. I will spend 5 minutes every morning writing. I will awaken, putter around the house or yard for a few, then begin writing for 5 minutes non-stop. This means I need to awaken at the latest by 7 a.m.

Other stuff:

Housekeeping: I have to come up with a plan as far as housekeeping goes. It has taken the lowest priority and I need to change my mind set about it. I have to figure out how I can see and approach it differently.

Appearance:

I need to allot time toward upkeep like hair and nails. My problem is not wanting to take the time to sit there and interact – not wanting to have to tip, even if I’m unhappy with the service. I need to overcome these petty concerns.

I need to body brush every single night, without fail. There simply is no excuse unless sick.

Sweet n' juicy

I am so grateful for thoughtful and loving family and friends. I am rich with love.

I realize throughout my life that I have always been afraid of being without. Although I have not yet experienced material wealth on a high scale, I have always had all I needed and all I really wanted. However, I still felt lack. It’s an unfounded fear and feeling which goes back to early conditioning. I now choose to let those fears and feelings go.

Somewhere along the way I feel I lost my sense of worthiness. I now reclaim that. I am worthy of all that I have and so much more. We all are. We just have to open up to it and own it. I hereby claim ownership of it. I claim the beauty that is me. The love that is me. The brilliance that is me.

I just ate a fully ripe papaya and it has the perfect amount of sweetness and juiciness. That’s me: the perfect amount of sweetness and juiciness, LOL.

Easy-going

My patience and tolerance is low today. I am always regretful when I feel this way, especially when I become short with someone. I think it is because I’m tired. I slept ok last night, but my energy level feels low. I lack the desire to do much of anything. Productivity is not on my vocabulary today. I only want to rest and be lazy.

With respect to photography, I think I will start focusing on different stuff. I’d like to document more what it’s like being me -- Day-to-day of life as Lita ... and then post it on my blog. I’ll start bringing my camera with me to work and see what happens. Nothing may happen ... or a whole world of everything may happen. But I’ll never know unless I at least have my camera on hand. I was thinking about my days long past as a belly dancer. This morning, I listened to a CD I made during my performance days. It’s a 20- minute compilation of some of my favorite belly dance songs, and it sounded so fresh. I’d like to take pictures of something belly dance-related; something reflecting my history in it. It will require creativity, which is what I’m up for.

I wish I were more motivated to work on practical things, like my garden. But I guess practical is a relative term.

I spoke with my Mom last night and sought to lift her spirits by reminding her to list all that she is grateful for; all that she takes for granted. I know this is what I do when my morale is taking a nose dive. She, like most of my family, has been feeling helpless and sullen over B’s predicament.

I’m seeing my reflection and I look so much like both of my parents; but our mind sets and temperaments are nothing alike. Other people may say otherwise, however.

My life is perfect. It’s a perfect representation of my conscious and unconscious creations. I choose to be more conscious so the results will be spot on.

But as a mere human, I will always have issues regardless of what I do, so I’ve come to accept that. Things and people just are. And I am.

It’s approaching 1 PM and I’ve managed to probably consume all of my caloric requirements already. But I care not because it was all whole foods ... raw foods. ... It, like everything, is what I make it -- and I make it good; I make it rich; I make it abundance.

So about work ... I haven’t done much today ... and again, that is good because it is in keeping with my motto of leading a simple, easy-going life.

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Checked the Daily Motivator and it was so timely :)

Monday, April 28, 2008

Frame of life

The way you frame your life has a major impact on the way your life unfolds. The way you see yourself and your place in the world determines who you truly are.

The unstated assumptions upon which you rely are constantly exerting their influence. Your deepest, most sincere feelings about life have a way of coloring every circumstance.

The events in your world do not just happen without reason or source. They are driven by your most fundamental expectations of how you will find life to be.

In each small moment and in every large undertaking, your frame of life sets the stage. So choose to frame your life with love, with respect, with beauty, grace and a focus on the most magnificent possibilities.

The way you see the world determines the kind of world you see. So decide to assume, expect and look for the very best you can imagine.

Live with a positive, enthusiastic and thankful frame of life. And within that empowering frame, you will create a masterpiece that grows more beautiful with each moment.

-- Ralph Marston